Unemployment Chronicles Part Seven - Oh Schlitz

On June 7th I wrote the following email to Schlitz Brewing.  It has taken me a full 13 days to realize that it may come across as a little crazy.  The problem is, I'm way more disappointed that nobody from Schlitz has gotten back to me than I am disappointed that none of the several jobs I've applied for have gotten back to me.  Also, for what it's worth, this is only one example of several emails I've sent lately that make me cringe a little bit during my increasingly scarcer moments of clarity.

Dear Sir or Ma'am:

I'd like to, with great enthusiasm, introduce the fine producers of Schlitz to the Schlitz Sporting Club of Minneapolis.  The Schlitz Sporting Club of Minneapolis is a growing group of gentlemen (currently approximately 25 strong) who gather on weekends to participate in various sporting endeavors.  The activities vary from gathering to gathering and include soccer, basketball, kickball, ultimate frisbee and other athletic pursuits.  We are even considering Botaoshi (google it, you won't be disappointed) as an event.  One thing, however, never varies.  At the conclusion of our game/match/event, we relax with a cooler full of  ice cold 16oz. Schlitz beers.  I can confidently speak for all members of the Schlitz Sporting Club when I say it is the highlight of the gathering and, quite frankly, the real reason we gathered in the first place.  Win or lose, we all win knowing the reward which awaits us.

The reason for my correspondence - apart from thanking and effusing praise on you for producing the same great product year after year - is to see if it were possible to obtain any sort of Schlitz merchandise for our Schlitz Sporting Club.  Ideally, we would love to adorn ourselves in official Schlitz uniforms for our events - t-shirts of different colors to differentiate the teams would be great.  Can you please let me know how we might be able to obtain items such as these?  We are also interested in hats or other merchandise which we can award to the "Schlitz Player of the Game" at the conclusion of each event.

In exchange, the Schlitz Sporting Club can offer the following:

1)  Unfaltering loyalty to Schlitz beer.  Although, you have that already, so I'm not sure how strong of a selling point that is.

2)  Recognization of Schlitz beer as the "Official Beer of the Schlitz Sporting Club".  Again, though, I guess it wouldn't make much sense for any other beer to be the official beer of the Schlitz Sporting Club.  

3)  Access to the private Schlitz Sporting Club Facebook page which includes photos of our events, wickedly funny (or perhaps pathetic) "trash talking" and the dates and locations of all our gatherings.

4)  Permission and blessing to use the Schlitz Sporting Club in all future advertisements or promotions.  All members of the Schlitz Sporting Club are damn good-looking guys (it's a prerequisite to being offered membership) that you would do well to place on billboards, magazine advertisements and other media opportunities.

5)  Finally, and perhaps most importantly, "Honorary Captain" status for any representative of Schlitz at any Schlitz Sporting Club event.  In other words, you get to throw out the ceremonial first pitch, conduct the opening coin toss, drop the first puck, whatever.  We will even allow Schlitz representatives to compete, provided they pass the by-laws of the Schlitz Sporting Club, which are spelled out on the Schlitz Sporting Club Facebook page.  (Although the laws are secret and available only to members, examples include "must be of legal drinking age" and "must not be an overly competitive dink").

Please consider this mutually beneficial opportunity.  I eagerly await your reply as I would like to be able to inform the members at our next gathering of any possible sponsorship news.  In sum, I'd like you to know that according to the Schlitz Sporting Club, no truer words can ever be spoken than those that appear in your motto:  "When you're out of Schlitz, you're out of beer".

Thank you for your time and consideration.